Mudslides, Quicksands, Airless Parachutes

Every day is a fight for me. I start out the morning, eager to research my newest idea (which is always thought up around 2 am) that I was too tired to think through the night before.

I go through a few hours and then start to rethink my idea. “Maybe plan B isn’t the best. Maybe I should go back to plan A…” Before I can switch which websites I’m scrolling through, I’m persuading myself to remain with plan B. “No,” I tell myself. “I’ve been through this. This is the best option.” Night time comes. The idea has been deflated, and I’m stuck in the loose fabric of the parachute of my own creative disaster.

It’s like I’m scrambling by night time. And every day it’s a new fight. In particular, it’s either that I’ve decided that I will go abroad, in which the day commences with my surfing on travel websites and ends with me saying, “No, I’m just going to move to another city and get a job,” in which case, I wake up the next morning and start apartment hunting (because the job search is going nowhere) and then realize that I don’t want to live in this state. Then I see myself scrambling, trying to climb back up this mudslide that I’ve created. It’s like every other day, I jump into quicksand and find myself struggling to get back out (and get abroad).

I’m so silly. I share my ideas with people, and I always have the most insistent statements, outlining the plan I’ve already created late the night before. People believe me (while rolling their eyes). Then I change my mind. I hope they’ve stopped listening to me by now.

I just need to make a plan and stick with it. And really make the plan. And really stick with it.

We’ll see where I am tomorrow. I’ll keep you updated, blogworld.


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